Paul and I are an abnormal statistic. Eighty percent of all married mental health patients end up divorced. We haven't yet, but we've sure come close! But there again, Mom's experience came to the rescue. We saw what life was like for divorced parents with mental illness - still in love but unable to trust or live with each other. We chose to try something different.

Life isn't easy when you can't trust each other like you used to. Paul worries about me and can't trust what I say. I can't blame him. I don't trust what I think! I've taken to writing a journal of my feelings about people I've met and talked to. That way I can go back to it later and confirm what did and didn't happen, when I appear to freak out, and when I seem normal and lucid. I've probably gone overboard on this, keeping more journals on different subjects than any person humanly should. In fact, Paul once complained to my doctor that I wrote too much! She disagreed. The good side of this is that it has improved my writing to such a degree I am now able to produce this blog.

I don't trust Paul to understand me enough to know what I need and provide it when I need it. So I've spent the last nine years educating him as to my needs and how to help me help myself. Edmund Bourne's book “The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook” has been instrumental in this.

Still, mental illness takes a hard toll on a marriage. I can handle it because I have Christ in my heart. God made me a problem solver, and very persistent. I recognize if you want any help in this world, you have to start by helping yourself. I don't know how Paul manages it, but I believe there is Christ in his heart too – even though he is on a different walk than me, isolating himself from a church family.

I read a chapter of Bourne's book every month. I simply couldn't absorb it any faster. Since then I have also used Bourne's follow-up book “Beyond Anxiety and Phobia”. These helped me reduce stress in my life, and come to know myself better. I confess I did not do the chapters in the order Bourne suggests. In fact, I did the topics I felt I had the greatest need of first. Bourne's book is great for learning to deal with stress and anxiety.

I found if I dealt with my fears through the Bible, then I could deal with the stress and panic related to delusions using Bourne's books. Once those were dealt with, I was able to reason with myself logically about my delusions. Questioning the situations I had imagined and if they could have happened. Many times I simply had to shake my head and say 'no'. They weren't realistic.

And when I've been tempted to think they are real, I ask myself “So what? Am I going to live my life any differently because of it?” The truth is no. I won't. I will still trust God. I will not be afraid because God is with me always. He will never desert me. He is on my side. I have no need to be afraid.  He wants only the best for me.  Anything else is from Satan and needs to be fought spiritually, as well as physically.

Verses found at my Gram's old home long after she'd passed away, gave me comfort, as they had her.  Such as the following...

and...


The light of God surrounds me,
The love of God enfolds me,
The presence of God watches over me,
Wherever I am, God is...

I have been aided greatly by Paul, who acts as a buoy to me in times of rough seas, and who goes to all my doctors appointments with me. In fact, I prefer to take Paul to see any professionals with me. I need his insight and perspective to keep me from worrying about things, even if I'm not delusional. Paul sees things differently and can ask the right questions of these people when I can't seem to think of them...thanks to brain fog induced by medication. He is instrumental in my learning to live with this disease on a day-to-day basis.

He has learned to nurture me in many ways. When I've had a bad day, he'll come home with flowers or offer to cook supper or take us out. When I need help making decisions and getting organized mentally, he'll sometimes work beside me and gently prompt me with questions to get my mind through the brain fog.   He doesn't talk down to me or patronize me. He is patient with me. He is relatively accepting of my trying new ideas and alternative health approaches to managing the disease. He supports, though reluctantly sometimes, lifestyle changes that will promote healing for me. Paul is very careful with money!  Not all days are rosy with Paul, and he is no saint, but he does make it much easier to manage the disease than it would be without his approach.

Away Rooms

When I told Paul I wanted to turn the basement into a studio, he didn't complain, even though it meant giving up his workshop area. He hadn't been using it for months anyway, and we needed to store Mom's stuff somewhere. He recognized I needed a space of my own in the house. He was right. He had an office, and I needed a place to call my own too. I took our guest bedroom in the basement and turned it into what I call a 'retreat room'. I've since seen architects call it an 'away room' – a place where you can get away from everyone else and just do your own thing. I use my room to spend quiet time with God, to write, to read, and to watch inspirational videos my mother taped.

Everyone can benefit from an 'away room', not just mental health patients. If you don't have a whole room, create a space in the corner of a room somewhere for quiet time and reflection. I used to use a chair in our bedroom, until the corner became too overcrowded. It really didn't have room for all my Bible study materials. The retreat room in the basement has fit the bill marvelously. A mother of eight children I know, used the closet/room under the basement stairs in her home. An away room or area can be wherever you feel alone and with God.

To be continued...